Name of food writer: Siiri Sampson
Position: Voracious Blogger for The Eatside
Shame factor: Depends on who’s around. If alone=zero, around friends=low, around parents=moderate.
Contents of note: It’s hard to transition into cooking for one, when you’re used to feeding roommates and a beefy hunk of a boyfriend twenty-four, seven. Now I live alone, and the BF lives overseas. That’s my disclaimer on the seemingly schizophrenic fridge contents you’re about to see.
I guess by “contents of note” you probably want to know the weirdest things I’ve got laying around, right? Alright, let’s start from the top, literally, with the freezer. The two baseball, shriveled organic apricots which I had planned on using for a tart puree are a little odd just sitting there next to a GIANT Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup (which belongs to said hunky boyfriend). And I would definitely consider a frozen candle, found directly below that out of the ordinary – I hear the wax shrinks when frozen and pops out. So far, that’s a myth. I also seem to have an inordinate number of bagged, frozen bananas, both in and out of their peels, used for smoothies. There is also a white, unidentifiable bag in the door that you can’t see. I just went back to the freezer and opened it…it appears to be half a frozen turkey breast that will be turned into homemade jerky. Someday.
Moving down to the fridge, we have oddities by way of volume, both large and small. Let’s just get it out in the open, I bought 5 dozen eggs, okay? Yes, I’m aware they are perishable, and no, I am not planning on making hand-dipped, blown out eggs for next Easter as a weekend project. I had a hankering for deviled eggs and also thought I’d be making a few cakes in the next couple of weeks, so I may have jumped the gun a little and bought in bulk. Don’t judge. So far they’ve only been in there for a week and a half. I’ve used six.
Also, I’m a hoarder, which you can tell by the half full take out sauces sitting in the top of the fridge door. Like I’m EVER going to finish those before they separate and grow legs. Below that there is a mini can of coke that I received in a goodie bag. I will never drink it, so it sits there, waiting for a thirsty visitor.
Other food hoarder evidence includes four kinds of yogurt, most of which are unopened. Yogurt is the work horse of my kitchen. It’s a great substitute for fats and oils in my baking, and makes amazeballs sauces when I strain it overnight. All the way in the back on the bottom shelf is a variety pack of deli meats that has not been opened and was purchased by the boyfriend 3 months ago when he was in town. Wow, that’s even more pathetic when I write it then when I look at it in the fridge and think, “if it’s not open, maybe it’ll be okay when I open it…” I need help, this much is clear.
Last on the freak list is a Jolly Green Giant sized jar of my favorite garnish: capers. Yes, Ma’am, I put them on almost every poultry dish, and in any white sauce I use to smother my dry chicken. And upon further review, it turns out I have six different cheeses in there: Brie, Sharp Cheddar (posing as a tin foil brick), Parmesan, Pecorino Romano, Cottage and String. Thank heavens I’m not lactose intolerant.
Other items not shown: Of course, there’s the usual menagerie of homemade and store bought sauces, syrups, relishes and mustards. Love mustards, right? The freezer keeps plenty of ice and frozen booze on hand for the occasional get together, which sit on top of the requisite bag of frozen chicken from Costco. There’s more frozen candy that we got from the Almond Roca outlet over the summer, and enough frozen peas to get me through the next nuclear disaster.
If you think I’m not hiding the worst secret of all, you’d be sorely mistaken. The bins, dear friends, are where the true nasty is kept. I counted two heads of rotting celery and two different bags containing rotten apples, sitting next to lettuce that still looks fresh. Guess what, I left them in there.
Just to be thorough, here’s the laundry list of things not worth discussing: Smart Balance in butter door, maraschino cherries, 1/2lb of butter, orange marmalade, pickled jalapeños, Chukar Cherries cherry pie filling, habanero blackberry jam, vegetable stock concentrate, tube of emergency pesto, Heinz 57, Rooster (Sriracha) sauce, Syrup? How’d that get in there?, Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup (seriously, that’s the boyfriend’s too…), more Sriracha sauce, A1, homemade lime simple syrup, homemade vinaigrette, Worcestershire sauce, Brianna’s Cesar Dressing, fat free milk, hazelnut creamer, olive oil mayo, instant red sauce for pasta, black bean garlic paste, black berry jam, rice vinegar, smoked chicken sausages, tomato, 6 pack of Punk’n beer (4 left), two containers of take out from a diner, bag of potatoes , crescent roll dough for quick appetizers, cheap white wine, BBQ sauce from Tennessee, two kinds of homemade cream cheese frosting that last.for.ever – orange zest and honey lavender.